When i need you most, you are not there...
You don't understand how painful it is, loving without return.
This suppose to be a relaxing trip, to find friends, eat around, joke around. But...
The initial plan of mine is to get Ci En at KL and she agree to join us along. But until last week before going off, i received bad news from her., which is she not able to turn up. Frustrating enough, she telling me this by third person, which is not direct tell me at all. This world has so many tools use for communication and she choose this way. (I know that once i receive this news i will be very angry, but more angry thing is you didn't intent to tell me directly at all, is this what we called "escape"?)
Anyway, without her, we still able to go Penang. Surprisingly, we reach there safe with ease. From 2.30pm escape from SIG, knock off cat plate accident, we pretty smooth journey all the way. We rest awhile from restroom seeking, pump out petrol while i all the way driving (because another passenger didn't get license yet). Maybe i feel tired along, but i guess that i had fuel with the anger in her, so we took shorter time to expect for reach.
** To Joe: We even went Nilai to pay visit you in plant and had dinner together. Pro right? Hahahaha. We miss you. Take care. **
Once reach, i had the urge to call up Ci En and arrange to meet her, but i hold it...
(She did came Penang as well, but going out with her grandma)
*The detail of the trip i will put in another post.*
The next day morning, i called her, she replied that she will reserve night time just for meet up. however, around evening time, she just sms me and said she went out having dinner with "her brother" (WTF, i know you so long and you not telling me any info of this). Furthermore, she said at night if want meet up, is gonna with a huge gang, consist of: HER COUSIN, LI FANG (UTAR), QI ZHE (THAT GUY WHO TACKLING HER).
This provoke me and exceed my stress and anger level. I feel like want to release it but i don't want hurt myself physically or people around. So i hold it, it is very uneasy. I replied her that i didn't want to meet up in such way. and she never reply since.
That night is the most emotional moment of my life. I feel like crying but no tears at all, feeling angry but it is no use. All of these is no point for me. I felt so pathetic, keep on thinking of her. I drank 2 bottles of Heineken (my 1st time drank so much), and still sober. My friends (John, Pei Wen, Juin Tat) can do nothing to cheer me up. My face sure like dead person that time.
What's the reason of become so emotional about her? I can only think of:
- This trip suppose that bring her around and enjoy time together. (i just wanna see her)
- She did promised that she is ok to follow this trip and looking forward of it.
- She informed Kenny that she can't make it the trip 1 week before it, not direct telling me, My PC had problem that time (what's the use of phone?)
- She told me that she unable to go with us to Penang, because need to fetch granny to go visit relatives. Qi Zhe tag along (What the hack is this guy, suddenly appear nowhere and so close with her now)
- She told that can meet her up so can two cars go together.
- The next day, she told that she need 1 day earlier to reach there, so unable to join journey.
- Upon reaching Penang for me and Kenny (1st night), she no contact me at all for meeting.
- The second day morning i called her and she said night time free and able to meet me. (she said extend 1 more day staying)
- The same day evening she said she need to join "her bro" (since when) for dinner and after dinner, if want meet up, Her gang members (Cousin, Li Fang, Qi Zhe) will be along.
- I saw her message, straight lose my cool and tell her that i'm not ok to meet up with this kind of setup. She never reply since. (tell me how to meet up with such formation? obviously didn't want meet up at all! I expect her only but she showing excuse upon my call)
- She never contact me for the next day.
- 12 am she called on 2 Sept 09, i didn't pick up, i was too tired and rest for whole day driving back to JB.
- Upon reaching UTAR Setapak (Kenny settle stuff), she didn't at lab. I called her for last chance to meet up. She questioned who am I. (so surprised, i back JB with full of frustration)
Base on those statements, tell me how not to angry about her? I so care and concern about her, love her, and we agreed that we are very close friends. I put my trust on her and think she is honest to me, at least. But now? all seems just broke my faith and i really upset about she didn't even try effort to meet up or just frankly tell me her plan for not meeting me at all. (she choosing new friends instead of old close friend)
I felt so many lies, and even she is the most cherish person of mine, she is the one who never fail to break my heart, every time when chances arise. Not even small meet up can achieve. I felt totally screwed up, and i need to face the truth now. No more blind believe.
This is destiny, no matter how i try, hope, believe that once day we able to further more our relationship, it is useless. She didn't even consider me at all, i have no place in her heart at all. (my heart put her as 1st priority)
I am very sad. This outcome must be done, i shall stay away from her now on, to prevent further sapping my soul. i give my heart to her, always, and she just not even see it at all. I wish her all the best for the next guy in her life and not break up so easily and find new one easily. When she feeling hurt, she will find me, when she find happiness, she is gone. I finally realize that I am nothing but her cheering place.
She left a huge whole in my heart, and cannot be mend back. So i need to throw away the thoughts of her completely. I know it is very hard for me but i must do it. She had completely broke my heart. I had enough of try and try again and have tiny hope can she can see me. It is time to realize that it is impossible. She choosing everyone except me, and that's the FACT!
Give me excuses or explanation, if you have one. I can't even differentiate you are telling lies of truth now on, you are such stranger to me. (base on her past record, she will silence, when problems comes, she running away and try to escape, most frequent reason give is to tell me think myself [i'm not you, how i know your thoughts], i know she saw this post will be very angry, but every time she can angry, why can't I? My tolerance also has limit, and recently pile up so many stress for all area.)
She asked me to become her best friend, for life, but she didn't even treat this seriously, that's what i felt.
A friend asked me why can't be good friends even after fail to be together as couple with girl? I always questioned myself this and i found out is: I can't do that. Because as long i have feelings on the person, it lingers long and i can't be smiling in front of her while in the same time my heart is bleeding. It is very painful, all these years i had tried to be good friend with her, and i realize that i can't do it as i still love her.
So, if what it takes to prevent my heart broken again, even means no friend at all, I will take it, i just too sick of getting torture of my own mind prison again and again.
I thought that you are the one for me, but you had proven me that i'm wrong...
I know seeing my behave like this nothing different from a classless jerk, selfish and emo kid. Think what you want, i rest my case. Goodbye Quan Ci En
